on being The Single One

We are single. AND THAT IS FINE. And when it’s not fine we have a pact that instead of going mental and texting boys till they’re scared of us (see previous post) that from now on we’ll just text EACH OTHER about it. OH! Since our last post WE HAVE MET IN ACTUAL REAL LIFE. Hooray! x

CRUMPET:

I had only been single for about 3 months. My triumph of the day was that a good friend, who happens to be a psychotherapist, had finally got me out of the house (albeit in my pyjamas) after crying in a ball since being horrifically dumped by The Australian after a massively intense and international 3 years. My only real human contact had been concerned friends coming to visit me (mainly to find out the Actual Facts of What Happened) or family members coaxing me off the couch with chocolate.

Fact is, I’d been in a relationship aged 20-23, single for a few months, then another aged 23-26. They say it takes approximately a month for each year of a relationship to get over it. So 3 months it was. Time to embrace Being Single. Which is ace and fun. Especially in London, if you have good friends, some of whom are also newly single, some of whom you fancy, some might be getting married and some might even just be single by choice. Friends are ace like that.

And then there are the people who find this all very fun n’all, yet just Not Right.

(At the wedding of 2 of my very dear old friends) “Congratulations… love you guys… this is an awesome wedding”
“N’aaaww thanks. SO any men in your life? Have you met Blablabla over there? He’s single… Oooh it could be our first wedding invite as Mr & Mrs S! Go talk to him!”

Errr what? The seat next to me at the time this conversation took place was empty. Because it was intended for the arsehole who had just broken my heart. My invisible ex boyfriend was – well not sitting next to me – but you know. INSENSITIVE MUCH?

“Actually I’m quite happy on me own for a bit thanks…. gonna take a while to get over that and find meself n’all that… but thanks”
“OH COME ON you’re amazing SOMEONE is bound to realise that!”

Errr what? It’s totally FINE to want to be on your own for a bit. FOR AS LONG AS YOU BLOODY WELL LIKE in fact. Things happen and they happen at certain times for certain reasons. Sure, some people like to Make Things Happen… but I believe in fate. I also know myself well enough to know when I need time on my own. After a massively Big Proper Relationship I also know that I didn’t WANT to be with anyone else in a hurry.

Fast forward a year. I’ve been on dates. I’ve met guys at pubs. I’ve met guys in my neighbourhood. I’ve done things and been to places and got over The Australian and seen other people and moved house and got my job back and ALL SORTS of amazing things I would NEVER have done if I had a boyfriend or whatever.

In July of this year I went to see Paul McCartney with my mum. We had the most awesome day. The ol’ hippy danced on the grass of Hyde Park in her bare feet. We got sunburned and sang Hey Jude together – it was amazing. The only thing better than getting to watch that gig was getting to see my mum watch it. On the bus home I told her how amazing I’d been feeling – great friends, amazing housemates, doing well at work etc…

“Well this is all lovely to hear. I just can’t help thinking you’d be enjoying it all more if you weren’t on your own. If you HAD someone”

ERRR WHAT?

Thanks mum

Thanks mum

“I used to worry about your brother… you know. You went off to uni and he didnt. You had boyfriends whilst he dossed around with his friends… now he has a lovely girlfriend, a good job… I just can’t help worrying. I mean when I was your age I’d already…”

“WHAT HAD YOU ALREADY DONE? NOTHING. You hadn’t been to Thailand. Or Australia. Or lived in a shared house with friends. Or stayed up dancing the running man on the patio at 4.30am. Or been out for dinner with your favourite band. Or picked a random city to move to. Or learnt a bizarre new profession just because it sounded fun?”

(OK that bit was what I MEANT to say. What I really said was “hrrrumph.”)

My mum’s sister however recently blew this RIGHT out of the water one afternoon whilst I was brilliantly entertaining ALL SEVEN of my adorable little cousins. (both sets of THEIR parents had of course been LONG married and spawning by my age, obviously)

“So any men in your life?”
“No not at the moment… quite happy though. Life’s good. Best for ages actually. Maybe best ever. Work’s going really well… my hou…” (interrupted)
“Well all that stuff is lovely but this lot aren’t going to look this cute walking down the aisle for much longer you know”

OH GOD YOU’RE RIGHT AUNTIE I BETTER FIND SOMEONE TO MARRY ME IMMEDIATELY.

28 is not old. People DO a lot more. My parents married young. With matching afros. They’re a nice enough love story and one of the last of their friends to still be together. BUT IM FINE ON MY OWN. I like boys. I like them a lot. When things are meant to work out and turn in to something more, then they do. And you know that they should because you feel like they should. There’s no real moral here. But when I look at my facebook news feed of married couples on skiing trips, and babies having swimming lessons and what shade of beige the New Happy Couple painted their suburban semi’s lounge wall…. it’s kind of hard not to think that I’ve totally got the better deal right now.

PANDA:

I have been single for ten months. Some may hear that and feel sorry for me. Well shove that pitiful look up your arse people…I’ve been bloody single for TEN MONTHS, Queen of my household I’m like Frickin Thatcher!!!!!

I’ve not always held this positivity about my singledom though. Coming out of a six year relationship with two kids in tow, i was a bit frightened. My only single friend was hauled up inside due to a knee op and the rest were married. The kids go to their Dads every other weekend so suddenly i had all this free time and nothing to do with it. OH MY GOD I’M GONNA DIE ALONE AND THE CATS GONNA EAT MY FRICKIN FACE OFF.

So i told everyone who repeatedly asked, that i was fine and hauled myself up watching films and eating steak.

Please don't eat me kitty

Please don't eat me kitty

Twitter became my social life and in my desperation to NOT DIE ALONE AND HAVE THE CAT EAT ME. I practically threw myself at this guy i had been tweeting. That did not go well, actually the date went really well, but my erratic behaviour after scared him off for good.

Three months in, i meet another man on the internet (remember people two kids, cant get out much) So i totally fell for him, the fact he lived on the other side of the world didn’t deter me. It all became quite full on, well as full on as something can get via IMing and skype. Then once i really fell for him, i freaked out. What is it about liking someone that brings out all your insecurities….Suddenly i was needy and quite bloody pathetic really.

Then Spring came, lovely bloody spring and i realised i really needed to sort myself out. I was in no fit place to be with anyone. Remember my words of wisdom post, two halves making a fucked up whole. Well that was me an insecure half. So things happened. Firstly i left the house, my friends gammy knee got better and we ventured out and met a really nice group of boys we started hanging out with. So now i had a social life and this was great but i was still thinking (even though i’d NEVER admit it) I need a boyfriend, I’m not complete without a man.

Then i took my other bit of advice and started filling my life up with other things. I threw myself into college, handily training to be a counsellor meant i was able to apply alot of the stuff to meself and work out why i was such a fucktard. Then i had the whole “One who got away thing” See other post. It was such a mega confidence booster, that suddenly i was like, yeah I’m ok actually, i dont NEED to be with anyone, and i certainly dont need to be chasing anyone.

Since then I’ve met Crumpet and started doing this, I’ve dusted off the guitar again, I’ve met so many AMAZING people on twitter that, that in itself makes me feel good about myself. Its like well i think you’re bloody wicked so if you like me too then i must be ok.

I’m happy in my own skin, I often look in the mirror and say “Wow Panda you’re one sexy bit of ass” I dont actually do that (totally do). Its been an interesting journey the last ten months. I’ve made a total dick of myself countless times but through each bit of nobbish behaviour i learned something never to be repeated. Its all about liking yourself really, if you like yourself then of course you’ll be happy being single. So not only do i not NEED a boyfriend at the moment i also dont WANT one either….But of course you know Boys, dont let that stop you from trying.

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13 Responses to on being The Single One

  1. Well layyydiees we’ve spoken about this before but once again you’re totally ruddy right. I spent sooooooooooooooooooo long desperately avoiding being single as if it was omigosh the worst thing in the world and then when I pulled me finger out and made a concious choice to stop bothering with boys for a while it’s was like a revelation. I LUFF being single – I’ve met some brilliant people, done stuff I would NEVER have done if I’d been in a relationship, I’ve lost nearly four sodding stone and I’m HAPPY. With myself. For the first time EVAH.

    Yeah it would be nice to have a boy to do sexytime with and maybe to have warm feelings inside for but NOW I know that if I do find one they won’t be the be all and end all of my life. HUZZAH.

  2. JCarnall says:

    love love love this post ladies…. as someone who spent most of my 20’s single-ish (after a 7 year on/off realationship in my late teens early 20’s) this whole thing brings back too too many memories…. the shock/disgust from other girlies cos i went the pub or gigs on my own (the shame of it… not!)… the constant desperate throwing of ‘suitable’ blokes in my direction…. the exasperation as I explained that yes having a special other would be nice.. in fact lovely… but actually considering my track record of totally unsuitable twatage i was actually better off single thank you very much!! Well until I met the fabulous and not completely perfect (I don’t DO perfect.. flaws are essential for interest!!) Mr C… (his flaws you ask?? I’ll never never tell!!!)

  3. pandacrumpet says:

    Dawwww fanks Girlies!!!!!! xx

  4. The Tank Gyrl says:

    Yes. You ladies are dead on there.

    I’ve been mostly single for the last few years actually – longer than I care to admit really – but still I know that I’m not entirely ready to have that massive for the rest of my life relationship yet. So, I’ll be passing this along with this helpful commentary to my mother: SEE MOM, I TOLD YOU I’M FINE, SO WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT IT ALREADY!!!

    xo

  5. _footnote says:

    Another great post P&C. Youse have looks AND wisdom!

    Zooey Deschanels’ character at the end of 500 Days Of Summer says something like, you never find someone if you look for them, it just sort of happens. I think being happily single is a long ways to reaching that so-called nirvana.

    Are boys allowed to post here?

  6. Linzi says:

    Great post, ladies! I moved from the UK to the middle of a forest on a hill in France almost 8yrs ago. #middleofnowhere! It’s been difficult to meet folk here, & to make matters that bit worse, I married somebody who everybody thought’d be good for me… but turned out to be the opposite. And that’s where being 21, a bit lonely and WAY too easily influenced gets ya. (No regrets, though. Life ain’t supposed t’ be perfect).

    From experience I’ve found that the best stuff comes to you when you’re least expectin’ it. Same goes for men. I’ve got mesen two beautiful children who’ve been my secret ‘pick me up’ for the last few yrs. Without ’em I’d have gone mouldy mooooons ago! The future’s round the corner, yes, I’ve know I’ve got shit loads to do before I get there and I’m a little bit frightened (foreign country & all that), but I’m on my bloody way and I’m workin’ on getting happy in the meantime.

    So FANKS… and YAY for #girls… and #boys, of course! x

  7. pandacrumpet says:

    Derrr of course boys can post…Especially lush Irish ones. : )

    Linzi i totally understand, having my two boys has been my saviour and stopped me from being a total prick many times. : )

    Thanks so much for all your comments, in means so much to us that people are actually reading this silly thing. We LAFFFFF you all!! x

  8. Glynis says:

    There was a three year chunk a while back where I thought it’d be a miracle if I ever again had sex with someone else in the room. 🙂

    My mother was pretty good about not giving me a difficult time about it. As I was living with her, I am grateful for her diffidence. It’d pop out every now and again, but was always easily diffused.

    Yes, I met someone eventually. His particular brand of crazy fits mine (NOT a euphemism) and I never would have recognized him if I hadn’t been on my own for a while. Being single made me realize that I don’t have to be perfect, I just have to be good with who I am.

    I had a note by my front door that read:

    I don’t want someone to hold me up or hold me back.
    I want someone to lean on every now and again,
    and someone who trusts enough to lean on me
    every now and again.

  9. pandacrumpet says:

    That is beautiful Glynis… wise, beautiful words. xx

  10. angie says:

    love, love, love this.
    so true and spot on!

    keep up the fab blogs

    xoxo

  11. Benjamin says:

    Babies having swimming lessons are bloody awesome, every bit as exciting as a trip to Thailand. That is all.

  12. Tom M says:

    I was always “the single one” out of my friends for ages. My best friend was in a series of relationships pretty much constantly from the age of 15, and all my close friends managed it too.
    But – you know what? It was fun!
    Even though there was a 99 percent chance I’d get shot down, the thrill of “the chase” or whatever you want to call it was fun. I had countless dates, phone calls, texts, MySpace conversations (oh yes) while single. And a very interesting experience behind a bookshop in Wimbledon.
    I wouldn’t change any of it – some of my closest friends now are girls I once tried to woo with my pathetic wooing skills.
    Fuck what everyone else thinks or is doing – look after yourselves and be happy!
    Enjoy it while it lasts, as a serious and lasting relationship can suddenly dive out of the shadows when you least expect it, and hold you hostage for nearly six years.
    Love you though, Kasia!

  13. Pete FunksDa Best says:

    Love the post! I went a bit nuts when newly single before and being told by my Mum that I shouldn’t have let her go, she “REALLY liked that one” wasn’t much help! (Though she seemed really pleased when the last one skipped away.) I’ve done the needy chasing thing, not understanding why my numerous texts were being ignored but have always found letting go and embracing singledom always leads to happiness and often the next Miss Right just saunters around the corner! Each time gets better, it’s like try before you buy. You learn which characteristics seem to fit best with yours until, eventually (hopefully), a frankenstein-like amalgamation of awesomeness is YOURS!!
    Panda, when we gonna get to hear your awesome noodlings on the old six string?

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