Thank you all SO much for the responses to our last post. Amazingly interesting comments, your tweets, your sweet emails, your facebook stalking… thank you. This week we’ve been helping each other move on from some things and away from some potentially mental behaviour after things stopped going our way. So we thought we’d sum up what makes us realise when it’s time to stop being so worked up about the boy who probably isn’t The One.
I have been prone to crush on boys. To crush so hard that I’ll convince myself from the teeniest thing that they are madly in love with me but dont know it yet. I think my longest unrequited love was for about a year… A long year of over analysing everything, ignoring all the signs that screamed HE’S NOT INTERESTED IN YOU
and spending a ridiculous amount of money on Marks and Spencers cheese cake (his favourite). Nowadays I’ve smartened up, I broke a new record yesterday and Jumped ship on something that was going no where after 5 weeks. Dead chuffed with myself i am, so here’s my guide to knowing when it just aint right…
1) Mr I’m not looking for a relationship…
So this man flirts with you, calls you all the time, wants to spend most of his time with you but when pressed will mutter those words. Its easy to ignore those words, to put it down that he’s just scared, that he’ll change his mind, that he must like you because he spends all his time with you and clearly fancies you, convince yourself that in time it will just naturally happen. IT WONT. You could easily spend months and months trying to get him to change his mind. There might be the odd night where it seems to progress, there might be the odd complicated cuddle or kiss. Eventually your confidence will be so knocked that you’ll be grateful for any scrap he throws at you. And whilst focused on him you wont be able to see all the fabulous boys that would jump at the chance to have a relationship with you. Take it from me, if those words are muttered regardless of the actions that accompany them, RUN AWAY FAST.
2) Mr i really want to be with you, Its over with my Girlfriend i just need to tell her.
Overlaps happen, unfortunately thats the nature of life. Two weeks ladies or gents. If you meet someone and they are seeing someone else and after two weeks they still haven’t called it off. They either never will or when they eventually do, you’ll have lost all trust in the little shits anyway and your relationship will be an insecure shambles. You’re worth way more than playing second best to someone else.
3) Mr All or Nothing
One minute you’re the centre of his universe, he uses ALL the amazing words to draw you in and woo you. He promises you a lifetime of fun.The minute you think OMG this man is the ONE, he emotionally disappears. Suddenly the scales are tipped you’re doing all the chasing. You text and he doesn’t text back, your worlds thrown into turmoil, where has this man gone. So you make excuses, he must be busy, he’ll be back, he told me he loved me that cant suddenly change right?? Yes it can, Mr all or nothing is a dramatic drama queen. He throws out all the grand gestures only to get bored and move on. He’s a hunter a sportsman, once he knows he’s got you, he can toy and play with you. You could spend months and months on this man, hoping that one day it’ll go back to how it was… Maybe it will… Most likely it wont.
4) Mr I just need to sort my head out/need some space/etc etc man
So you’ve been seeing this man maybe two weeks maybe two months. Then he drops some excuse, of course making it clear he really likes you, its not you its him etc etc ahem FUCKTARD ahem. So you’rE expected to wait… He’ll come back right, after he’s had his John Lennon lost weekend you’ll reunite stronger than ever. Bollocks to that, you know how you feel about him yeah? Well could you imagine wanting space from him? No way cos you adore him and if he adored you, he wouldn’t want it either. DO NOT WAIT AROUND FOR THIS ONE!
With all these men its important to understand that once you’ve realised you are fabulous (and you really are you know) and you jump ship they’ll want back in. It then becomes some stupid power strugle. It’ll all be great for a while, then you’ll get comfortable they’ll fucktard up to the max, you’ll feel insecure again and on and on and on it goes.
I’m not sure what your take is on soul mates or THE ONE. But it stands to reason that with a whole world full of boys that one of them (In the words of Barry White) will LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. Every single lump and bump and insecurity they will love. There will be no power struggle, no games, no wondering why they haven’t called. You know your bestest friends, theres none of that crap with them is there? A good relationship will be just like that but with added fun SEXY TIMES. See and while your getting yourself in a pickle chasing the idiots, getting drawn into the game. You’re missing out on noticing that lovely boy over there who thinks you’re amazing JUST AS YOU ARE.
Seeing how Panda wrote the problems with the boys in her scenarios, I thought I’d think about how I act and the way all my The Ones have made me feel n what I’ve realised since. These are probably confusing and messy and contradictory and by no means are a “how to” guide – it’s just me. x
The One… with all the signs and coincidences
You know I’m a big believer in coincidence. An old boss once told me I was a ‘weathercock’ because I go where the wind blows. Any sort of coincidence with a boy or weird twist of fate for me and I’m like a cat who’s heard a bird in the next garden. Ears pricked up. Ready to pounce. Signs and coincidences are lovely but they are no foundation for ANYTHING in reality. I spend a lot of my life going where ‘coincidence’ leads me… which is nice n’all. And fun. And spontaneous. But when it comes to boys coincidences are just that and nothing more.
The One… you sleep with too quickly
You know how your mum/friends/whatever always warn you that if you “give it up too quick” there’s nothing left for the boy to work for? TOTALLY TRUE.
Sometimes it works out alright, or trundles along for a bit longer… but every boy I’ve done the rude stuff with quite promptly, has ended up being just ongoing rudies and nothing more. Casual sex is alright I spose. But weirdly seems to be one of those things that’s easier when you’re at uni or fogged up by teenage hormones and seems to work less and end up more complicated with grown-ups. Odd.
The One… you have loads in common with
I used to pin all the importance in the world on liking the same stuff as boys. Even if I didn’t really fancy them, knowing that we had the same taste in music or whatever was enough to spark my interest. It’s a good foundation for getting to know someone for sure but before long you’ll tire of “OMG ME TOOOO!”. Don’t get me wrong – it’s ace having loads in common with someone but what’s even MORE ace is when you can bring NEW things to each other’s lives…
The One… who isn’t sure
YAWN. Girls aren’t going to wait around whilst you figure out what you want or dont want. We want passion. We want bravery. We want gestures and we want you to at least pretend you know what you’re doing/thinking/feeling just as much as we pretend it ourselves. If you’re not sure… then don’t start. Or don’t tell us. The second I get the “not sure how interested” or “not sure I really WANT to be with anyone” or “not sure how I feel” I lose interest. Defence mechanism kicks in and it’s BORING waiting for someone to decide if they like you enough to at least give it a go.
The One… you make the first move on
You’ll end up feeling like you’ve forced yourself on this boy. And you have. Shyness can be endeering but whenever I’ve been the one to make the first move I’ve ended up feeling like I’ve manipulated the entire situation in to something that the boy couldn’t really be arsed with in the first place. Most of the time this is totally true n’all.
The One… who blindly adores you
Girls generally like to be adored. But boys falling instantly head over heels when you’re not both feeling the same is so gross and uncomfortable.
Being followed around like a doting puppy is horrible. As wonderfully uplifting as it is to be told you’re awesome and so on, I need to feel like there’s something worth working towards. When someone thinks they adore you before even knowing that much about you… it’s kinda creepy.
The One… who you’re caught in a whirlwind with
Sometimes everything falls in to place and “this is all happening so quickly” and before you know it you’re traveling together, or moving in together, and it’s all OK because even though it’s only been 4 hours it JUST FEELS RIGHT. There is nothing more awesome ever than the time you have with this particular boy. No longer convinced that this scenario has any longevity though. Not for me. But it’s still fun innit.
The One… you’ll make do with
Wanting to be with someone because “it’s better than being on your own” – this is the biggest pile of twonk anyone ever said. It is NEVER better to cling on to something naff because you’re scared of being alone. Being alone is FINE. The space you have to think and do things is uncomparable to spending your time with someone who is “alright but…”. Whatever reasons (EXCUSES) you’re giving yourself for thinking this scenario is worth sticking with, IT IS NOT and you know it.