I just displayed some fucking classic irrational early relationship type behaviour. I’m quite shocked with meself as i thought i was well past all that nobish malarky. But clearly not, it’s not just me though I AM NOT ALONE. Had a few conversations with friends lately about the ridiculous things they are doing and thinking and saying. Is this just a girl thing? Come on people with Penis’s do you do these things too?
What are we!!!!?????……….
So you’re two, three weeks into a brand new thing. Its fucking awesome, there’s been several dates and long phone conversations. You’re feeling all those lovely early stage feelings then suddenly you wake up in a cold sweat one night and think WHERE THE FACK IS THIS GOING???? Are we just dating? Is he still seeing other people? The most important question, IS HE MY BOYFRIEND????? Yes it doesn’t matter if you are 12 or 30 this question is still very important. So then we feel the need to have ‘The Conversation’ and can’t think about anything else untill we do.
The other women…
I got this text from my friend the other day ” Found a picture of (Insert Boyfriends name here) Ex Girlfriend….Eeeeerrr why did i look?” Nowadays i avoid all that stuff, i dont think it really matters how many people someones had their willy in and i dont wanna know what their Ex Girlfriends look like because I’ve learned from experience its never a good thing. I once when left alone in an Ex’s bedroom, accidently stumbled accross the box of ex’s past. So there i sat and looked at pictures of all these girls and cards and letters. It wasn’t enjoyable, but i just couldn’t stop. Then when he got home i couldn’t mention it cos you know he would never of believed it was an accident ahem. So i just stewed on it, doing the classic “What? Nothings wrong, I’m just tired” It’s such a fucking stupid thing to do, my friend knew she was being irrational, she had Ex’s too and shoeboxes filled up with pictures. Yet now she was left thinking OH GOD HE STILL WANTS TO BE WITH HIS EX GIRLFRIEND AND WILL EVENTUALLY GET BACK WITH HER AND RIP MY HEART OUT. So as tempting as it is, leave any dodgy boxes in wardrobes or under beds WELL ALONE no good will come of it EVER.
Many different things can cause a spazattack but I think they generally start to crop up at a certain point in a relationship.
Normally in the early ish stages but you are established as a couple. So although you know each other quite well, those first few weeks are always just heady and mental (in a good way) then things settle and maybe the other person is just having a bad day
or ill or something, or naturally feel more comfortable so don’t make as much effort. Whatever, you sense this slight shift and although you’re aware that its normal and part of you’s saying “This is totally normal and everything’s fine, don’t freak out”
The other parts poking you hard in the stomach and saying “He don’t like you no more, you’re flogging a dead donkey, YOUR MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF!!!”
So then one of a few things can happen next, the least likely is that you tell the other person how you’re feeling in a calm rational way THIS NEVER HAPPENS!!!! What generally happens is you clam up, back off, distance yourself in the mind-set of well they’ve started to do it to me (which they haven’t) So I’ll back off even more.
They ask whats wrong you do the again classic line “Everything’s fine I’m just tired busy etc” Or say or message something completely irrational. Me and my friend were talking about this the other night, she found herself going on to her boyfriend about how maybe they weren’t right for each other maybe he’d be better off with someone else blah blah” OH MY GOD its fucking mental, she didn’t mean a word of it yet I’ve done similar things so many times.
So why do we do it, I used to think it was a confidence thing… You know if you’re not confident in yourself then you’re not gonna be confident in the relationship. I think this is true to a certain extent but I also think its to do with how much you like the other person. No matter how amazing your single life was and how much confidence you have. When you meet someone who blows your mind and you totally fall for its amazing but then the thought of not having that anymore is scary as fuck. And yes yes its irrational and I’m the first to start spurting forth crap about how you can’t pre-empt stuff, and if you spend all your time freaking out it’ll fuck up anyway, and just go with it and take each day at a time and BLAH BLAH BLOODY BLAH. But when it truly comes to it I’m not sure I’m any different now than I was when I was 12. But then i think maybe that’s the fun of it anyway, the sort of stuff that when you’ve been married for 30 years you actually look back on fondly…..”Ahhh remember that time when you were a total facking mental” Beyonce didn’t sing about being rationally in love did she, nope siry she did not. That would be very boring
This is hard for me… if you hadn’t noticed, Panda’s words have come from a different place than mine. But Crumpet, single, as ever, has nothing really to flip out over at present, but can amuse you with some not too distant memories of mental’ing that might hit the spot…
BETTER TO KNOW…
As for the ‘What Are We’ problem – it’s so much better to actually bite the bullet. If you’re scared of the answer then at least a BIT of you knows that you shouldnt expect a dream outcome. If you didn’t feel the need to ask then everything would probably be going so brilliantly that it didn’t matter.
As part of my new “try not to go mental” approach to BoyTimes, I… well… try not to go mental. But plodding along pretending that you’re totally fine just sleeping together or “I don’t even WANT him to be my boyfriend” despite the fact that you spend all day waiting to hear when he might want to see you next… asking everyone you know if “dinner and cinema” is what you’d bother doing if you were “just no-strings fucking” or if that’s actually positive progress towards being the sort of thing you do if you’re wanting me to think you might want to be my boyfriend… (IS IT, by the way? I’m still not sure). When boys say lovely lovely brilliant PotentialBoyfriendish things to you in bed, or during a date, or during a phone call… but then are generally crap at making plans and all that… then its HARD to not “go mental”. Although it’s not mental is it… to just want to know where you stand. So better off asking. Best knock back ever for me? Well I got fed up with having lovely times and feeling like nothing was coming of it…
“Look… do you like me? Because you’re really shit at plans and stuff… but we have a great time… are you just generally a bit shit at this or are you just not actually interested?”
“I am a bit shit. But I am interested. Just not sure HOW interested”
Right. Well soon as this happens I switch off, defence mechanism, uninterested also. Better to know though, right? This actually resulted in MORE seeing-each-other before eventual fizzling out. But still. BETTER TO KNOW.
WHEN YOU DONT KNOW…
Sometimes things just happen and snowball and get a bit much a bit quick though too right? This is odd because I think it might typically be a boy problem and this situation is usually the other way round. I typically get caught up and whisked away with things all fantastical and easy and excited in a whirlwind. All my big/main long-term relationships started out as whirlwinds and ended in a similar way too. Getting caught up and all excited is fun but really isn’t sustainable. Sometimes it stays that way or calms down and settles in to something more ‘normal’… but sometimes by the time the whirlwind has died down and the exciting times are over, (the bits where you meet each others friends… spend time getting to know each other) – what if by the time you’ve done all of those first-stage bits, the magic has totally gone and there’s just nothing appealing enough left behind? You’ve missed out the awkward times of wanting to know what was going on, or what you are. or where you stand, because it all happened quickly and everyone got so carried away. Now you’re stuck suddenly too far along to get out quickly like you might have done if you’d had the “what are we” talk… SEE? Still always better to know.
Maybe being a BIT mental is helpful. The need for clarification means everyone knows where they stand.
THE ‘OTHER WOMAN’ BIT…
My university-era long-term relationship was horrid. No trust on either of our parts, constant suspicion and massive insecurities. But these things never come out of nowhere do they. I mean, if I think about the people I HAVE trusted and HAVE felt secure with, it’s because you know you CAN trust them… and there are no questions. I’m sounding a bit bladdy wise there. You probably want embarrassing stories and details and mess. Well I’ve found that box. I’ve read those letters and asked about them and cried and shouted and accused and you know what it achieves in the end? It makes him think about her. It makes him want to re-read all the letters too and you know what else? If things are shit enough for it to have driven you mental and accused him in the first place, then things are probably shit enough for him to prove you right too. It happens. It happened. So there y’go. When you find that box of letters, the teddies, the ring, or the stuff she’s returned to him because she didn’t want it any more and you read through it all until you DO go mental and do the “im just in a bad mood because im tired” and ALL the stuff Panda said… it’s probably more important to think about why it upsets YOU, rather than worry about why he HAS that stuff in the first place. Because the chances are you have a box of that stuff yourself, too.