“Well I don’t know what I’m looking for…”

The thing we love and get out of writing to each other and eventually on here is that even though our ‘personal lives’ are in totally different phases, we still have a lot we can share with each other and relate to. There are some things that girls end up thinking about regardless of whether you do or don’t have things going on…

Needless to say we’ve both really enjoyed writing this one and taking the time thinking about WHAT WE WANT. Y’know. From boys. Or whatever.

There’s a lovely song to accompany this post. It’s called “What I’m Looking For” by Brendan Benson and you can listen to it on Spotify OR YouTube whilst you read coz we’s well nice like that. xX


As you’ll know if you’ve read any of our other posts, I’ve had many many disastrous relationships, some good relationships too and even just the meh ones that dont really amount to much at all. In every one something wasn’t there, something was obviously missing or it wouldn’t of ended you know?

So what is that something? Over this last year i put it down to being boxes, boxes being things you’re looking for like Must be into films etc…

Tick the boxes

Tick the boxes

The more boxes that are ticked the better you’ll get on. But then i think about one of my best friends and really we’ve not got loads in common, different music tastes, she’s not a massive geek like me, and she watches Mama Mia. But i LOVE her

, the first time i hung out with her i loved her and if she was a bloke then i think i’d be madly IN love with her.

So why do i love this Mama Mia watching freak, what have we got that means i know 100% without a shadow of a doubt I’ll be friends with her forever (Something I’ve never been able to say about any of my EX Boyfriends)

Well its a number of things, firstly she’s thoughtful. We were out shopping once and i saw this AMAZING electric blue Eel skin Cuff (Sounds gross, grow up it was AWESOME) Anyway i couldn’t afford it, a few weeks after i split with my EX husband she bought it for me as a ” Well done for being brave” present. It was dead nice. She once bought me something for my birthday that i really really wanted but had only mentioned it once and she remembered and got it. I was so touched that i did a little cry.

A massive part of it, is we both KNOW each other. I’ve always been 100% me with her and her me. As clichéd as it sounds we’ve been through shit together, she supported me through my marriage breakup and subsequent ridiculous relationship dramas and i was there for her when she lost a baby.

She text me once basically saying she had told her husband to shove their marriage up his arse (I should point out her husband is lovely and they are VERY happily married.) could she come round?  I’d had a smoke, was dressed like the dude, playing fable 2. I said yes, she came round, drank tea, had a chat, lit an in door sparkler and then went back to her Husband to make up.

She has no problem telling me when I’m being a NOBBA she knows what a drama queen i am and wont pander to it and laughs when i get lairy with her. And i do exactly the same to her (She’s way more of a drama queen than me though)

Sometimes normally when we’re with the kids and their being total shits, and we’re at that point where we’re gonna loose our rag one of us will say “Spin?” and thats what we’ll do we’ll spin around on the spot………. Especially effective when in a busy public place as it shuns the kids into an embarrassed shocked silence.

I think my most favourite thing about her is the fact she’s the only person i can have an hour long chat with about ‘Fingering’ that results in us both laughing so much that we can barely breath. She actually squawked out the other day after a particularly disgusting story* that she was bent over the sink unable to get up and had dropped the phone.

Sothere you go, what is that something? Well for me it would be finding someone who has all of the above,** so being able to be 100% myself, with all the good and the bad, a grown up and a giggling over fingering, 14 year old. Really happy or a bit meh? or even a stroppy little cock  Its also that feeling of knowing that they are being all that with you too. If you get that thing with someone right from the beginning, where even though you dont know each other you know your being completely yourself with each other. To be around someone who not only makes you feel like you can be yourself with no judgements but you also get that added buzz of knowing they like you enough to be completely themselves around you.

Then it just creates a sort of buzzy harmony vibe type thing Mmmaaaaaannnnnn.

** Also they’d need to be a boy and have a willy and that.


This single life then. It’s good. It’s fun. It’s generally not that complicated… It was ages after my last relationship before I even cared about boys or even noticed them again. It’s even more recently that I’ve even considered letting the odd one or two boy I’ve met or liked enough who may stand a chance of being allowed to have a go at breaking down a tiny bit of stupid wall I’ve spent almost 2 years building up. There just hasn’t been a bit of me that wanted a Proper Relationship. At all.

That’s not odd though. Surprisingly (surprised myself, mainly), I’m not the sort of girl any more who needs to be with someone to feel OK. I’m happy with my own company and am not so insecure as to need someone around to tell me they love me just so I feel good or wanted or any of that crap. Once or twice I’ve thought I’ve met someone recently who I might quite like to have around for those things and the rest… but generally I guess if you’re like me, then you don’t *need* those things. You just know when you find the right person, that you like having those things. When you don’t have that you don’t need it, and when you do, its ace. Get me?

It’s hard for me to put my finger on anything that I’d particularly want or expect from a relationship these days. Maybe it’s because the nearer to 30 I get, the more expected it is that a relationship might end up being proper and forever or something. I’ve had nice good equal balanced relationships. I’ve had the ones where I’ve been blindly adored. I’ve had ones where I would do anything for the guy despite his shitty behaviour. All of those. But when they end, and you have closure and hindsight, you learn that there’s just a SOMETHING that wasnt there, and despite whatever the circumstances or reasons behind a breakup, the THING – the WHATEVERITIS, is obviously absent. I don’t know what it is but I suppose you know when you have it.

Then suddenly, I noticed the smallest, subtle thing the other evening. A meaningless fleeting moment between a couple. I doubt they even noticed it or would ever even remember it happening. But I did. I think it’s the whateveritis that I’m looking for.

My boss – she’s not very feminine. Despite being very prim and proper and ladylike, she has what has always traditionally been a mans job, and is very aware of it. She’s the first woman to take on her role in the history of the charity we work for, despite it being founded by a woman as sturdy and strong as herself.

Firm but fair, calm, intelligent, business like and well spoken, but looks odd in a skirt or dress. You know the sort.

Not a ‘career bitch’ though and not ‘butch’ looking. She’s tall and slim and sort of asexual with her sensible short hair and lack of make-up. One time we all went to her house, and her daughter was there, and I got to see her in ‘mum’ mode it completely changed her. She was feminine, and caring, and the opposite of how I see her. But the next day she was my boss again.

What I'm looking for...?

What I'm looking for...?

The other evening, in a cold, big old school hall, she sat in the back row next to her husband.

For the briefest moment – a split second – she turned around. Barely moved her neck. Glanced – to see where a draft was coming from. I only know because I felt the draft myself but to anyone else, it may as well have been a twitch in her neck. A non-glance. A second later she was being wrapped up warm. Protected, looked after, cared for, snug.

From that tiny movement, the slightest glitch in his wife’s comfort, he knew to remove his scarf and place it lovingly round her neck. She smiled at him, and did a cosy shrug.

And I thought… I’d quite like that you know. That’s what I want.

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4 Responses to “Well I don’t know what I’m looking for…”

  1. qui says:

    Scarf for Christmas.

  2. littlemissmosher says:

    yes i think i feel the same re the scarf thing, thats brilliant how you’ve described that…ive just decided to just maybe try whole dating thing after not being involved with anyone for over 2 years…since then ive either been studying, rather ill or both but now im neither, it just seems like the right time to just see what could be out there, broaden my social horizons a bit at least ….i have new hopes as this old year draws to an end…. another fab read, girls x (hell have another – x)

  3. Nick P says:

    A thoughtful post there. I’ve always said that you have to be best friends first, no exceptions. If you want it to last, anyway. Someone who gives a shit no matter what state you’re in *smokes pipe wisely*

  4. pandacrumpet says:

    Luffly stuffs there fanks you. Even you Chris *waits for festive scarf* x C

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