Candor & Pumpit

BOYS have taken over Panda & Crumpet Candor & Pumpit today!

We asked 2 quite different boys to give us their quite different takes on the Beginning Times with a girl. Us girls have such ridiculous romantic and weird ideas when it comes to how The Early Days with a boy should be so we thought the best way to get to the nitty gritty would be to just ASK SOME how it goes in THEIR brains. So here it is – our first ever GUEST POST: Candor & Pumpit. Go easy on ’em. They are only boys after all…


Well Crumpet has roped me into discussing the beginnings of relationships from a boy’s perspective. I think we can all agree that this is a much more fun topic than the endings of relationships that, for me, have involved shouting, tears, light violence (on her part, of course) and a shoe being kicked off into the Thames.

Anyways. How relationships begin. I guess its hard to pinpoint exactly when a relationship begins, but for me they pretty much begin on the 2nd date as that’s when you’ve decided you want to see the person again. They don’t always progress but if I have to draw a line in the sand, it would be here.

So does this differ from girls’ perspectives? I’m guessing probably not all that much. A good friend once told me that guys have all the power at the beginning and end of a relationship but girls have control all the way through it. So guys often decide whether its “on” or “off” but throughout it, girls have the final say. Is this too much of a generalisation? Maybe, but I can see what he means. It’s the guys who often decide on the second date and all that, as, traditionally, its them doing the chasing and the women doing the stupid f**king mind games – sorry, playing hard to get.

So you’ve got your second and third dates and you’re IN THERE, MY SON. Congrats. You’ve tiptoed your way through the courting ritual minefield and she’s letting down her guards. How is the average man feeling at this point? Depends. As long as she’s not revealing any weirdo feminine madness (you girls know what I’m talking about) then he’s generally pretty happy at this point.

He’s finding out more about her. She’s revealing stuff. During this time in the 2nd/3rd date in various relationships I’ve been told that said girl has, a gay brother, Krone’s disease, kind of knows Tony Blair. All stuff that I wouldn’t class as “dealbreaker” relationship revelations, but pretty personal nonetheless.

Yes, yes all this information is very interesting, especially the stuff about her sister’s upcoming wedding – that is FASCINATING (Don’t ever, ever expect a guy to be interested in a wedding. Ever. You may think your guy is different, he’s sensitive and all that. He is not interested in weddings. Even his own. Any chat or body language indicating any interest is a total lie). But by this point, guys are only thinking about one thing and its not about when they’re gonna meet the mother.

What I’ve found is that I’m thinking about getting it even though I don’t necessarily, desperately want it. There’s something hardwired in guys that makes them physically go for that all elusive first shag, even if they can understand that it might be too soon, or not with the right person. It’s very hard to explain…testosterone is some powerful shit. So I’m afraid that, in this day and age, guys won’t really relax until we’ve got it.

How long to wait? How long is a piece of string? Well, a piece of string ain’t 3 months long, let me tell you that. I waited that long once and it was not worth the wait. And, being the cruel bastard that I am, this coincided conveniently with the end of our relationship. Oh well, ya live and learn, eh?

But I’ve found that once the sex thing is done and dusted, you can both relax more. I started seeing a girl and we were in her flat on the third date and…somehow…made it into her bedroom. She would not let me LEAVE the room until we’d done the full package. I (honestly) said I didn’t want to go that far so early…but funnily enough I relented after a bit of pressure. And she was right – it was great and it didn’t feel too early. It depends on the people involved. A piece of string can be however long you want it to be. Errr..but not three months long obviously.

Conclusions: all the nasty generalisations are true. But its up to you lot to prove us wrong about them.


It’s always awesome, meeting someone brand new that piques your interest. You meet a girl through some mates, or in a pub, or online or whatever, and you’re like “this girl is cute AND she has a cool vibe about her, I’m after this!” It is from this initial interaction, that you have the balls (you do have the fucking balls right lads? You’ve gotta be in it to win it, don’t give me that “oh what if she says no?” fucking bollocks) to get her number or ask her out on a date then and there. I prefer option 2, as this is a more dead set, concrete commitment. Just a phone number can lead to getting fucked around or at worse, no response from texts/calls at all after the heat of the moment.

The logistics and flow of organising that first date goes like this, and the tone/momentum is dependent on how the girl responds:

1. You get in touch with the girl and organize to do X at Y location at Z time.

2. She either:

  • a. Accepts instantly (the best outcome – this is generally an indication of reciprocal interest).
  • b. Suggests an alternative Y or Z (still a good sign, she has a life too ya’know).
  • c. Fucks you around and goes “aww I can’t, I’m really busy with work at the moment/fucking other guys/sitting on my arse at home playing the Sims”. Fuck it, she’s not worth the run around if she is not prepared to make ANY EFFORT at all. Proceed to next girl.

3. If a. or b. occurred, it’s like “right then, game on” and you pencil that shit in your calendar.

If things kicked off at that initial interaction at an exponential rate and you find out you both have 3 or more things in common (and she’s hot) it’s like “OMFG THIS GIRL IS INCREDIBLE SHES THE ONE” and you can’t get her out of your mind. You go to work and you think “man the way she spoke was so sexy and adorable” or you’re at the gym and you remember how she mentioned about the exotic place her family is from, or how when she smiles it lights up the fucking room. This phase I call the SMITTEN STAGE. It is here that we define just how keen we are on a bird. It’s either:

  • “hmm nah we didn’t really hit it off (in fact, you ditched her early at Oxford Circus because you “had to work later that night”).
  • “yeah she’s alright, if it pans out I’ll bang her”
  • “I like hanging out with her, I want to fuck her and will make a concerted effort”

And from this, we begin the delicate dance of interaction and momentum – how often we text them and the kind of language we use to show how keen we are (but not *too* keen – desperation is never an attractive trait). And it is all these things that we piece together to ensure the best possible chance of success IN LINE with how we feel about her.

I like to think of dating as a slingshot from one to the next. If I feel the date is going well and I like the girl, I organize the NEXT date on THAT date. This isn’t a hard and fast rule, I’ve let girls simmer for weeks and gotten them out on another date, but if you don’t follow up they will forget about you and the chances of them not responding when you do touch base increase hugely.

It’s easy to overthink the shit out of this entire initial process, but the important thing I do (since reaching decent emotional stability in my girl-swooning capabilities) is I keep my cool and just have fun with it.


(PS – If you still want to submit questions about boys/girls/us/ANYTHING for next week’s deadline there is STILL TIME! See here for more info.)
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4 Responses to Candor & Pumpit

  1. Sandra Dee says:

    I think I shall now bat for the other team…


  2. JP says:

    Blimey, I’ve been out of the game (marriage) for too long.

    Back in my day it was seeing a young lady in church on Sunday morning, trying not to get caught glancing at her by her father, weeks and weeks of wistfully exchanging said illicit glances, evening spent thinking about how pretty she looked in her high-neck lace collar, followed by the possibility of actually talking to her at a tea dance…that is if her father hadn’t married her off already.

    I really am that old.

  3. JM says:

    What happened to beating the fairer sex over the head with a club and dragging lady back to the cave for a bit of Neanderthal rumpy pumpy?

    Technically illegal, you say? Oh…I’ll grab me coat.

  4. fabulous stuff fellas, apart from spelling CROHNS wrong 😉 although im now wondering if i shouldnt have told the last fella i liked about it, he cancelled on me before we actually had our first date :/

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