We’re a bit daft really. That’s it.
Despite suffering from a ridiculously overactive imagination for a *grown up*, I consider myself a fairly rational human. I like problem solving, I know when things are silly vs things that are sensible. When friends of mine have problems or worries, I try to give clear and helpful advice and generally slap them round the face whilst politely suggesting that they pull themselves together.
HOWEVER every shred of rationality disappears if I am walking along a busy street and have to swerve around a group of leisure grannies to avoid walking over three manhole covers in a row. Because when I was 10, Rachel told me that walking over three in a row will bring you bad luck. If you walk over two in a row you apply the first then second initial of the boy you fancy to each manhole cover as you step on them. 1 single manhole cover is fine and safe and will cause you no harm.
My grandma told me once (when I had an itchy hand, obv) that “Right hand giving, left hand receiving” – that if your left palm itches you’ll receive some money, and give something away if it’s the right. So, now, 20ish years on if I ever have the slightest twitch of an itch on my left palm, I’m away to buy a lottery ticket. If my right palm itches, I’ll expect a bill to arrive. Considering I earn a laughable amount of money and owe a lot of people most of it, this usually comes true. THANKS GRAN! She also once threw loads of salt in my eye and hair because I happened to be loitering behind her when she accidentally spilled some whilst making soup and had to chuck it over her shoulder to scare the devil (and, incidentally, her youngest granddaughter) away.
MAGPIES. Those little bastards. I LOVE BIRDS. You probably know that. I even love magpies. I mean – they’re kinda rockin’ and mod-ish with their smart black n white sophisticated outfits. But spotting a single magpie, all menacing and threatening and shifty – BAD MOJO. Once on a drive through the forest, I spotted 1 single magpie sitting on his own on a telegraph wire. In the rain. HE WAS JUST SITTING THERE. Getting his mod suit all wet. Glaring at me. Twat.
If you don’t say “bless you” after someone sneezes, they will contract the plague and die. As true in 2011 as it ever was, obviously. If you’re going to boast about something not happening, or something going well, then you better bite your tongue to take it back and stop it going wrong, or knock on a piece of wood. YES I KNOW this is ALL stupid bullshit. I’m not mental. These are things LOADS of people subscribe to. They’re second nature and occupy very little brain space. At work, all our desks look like wood – but they’re not. So we “touch veneer”. Obviously.
I’ve chilled out somewhat with my superstitions, you know I’m happy to put a pair of new shoes on the table and if one of the kids puts their vest on inside out and back to front, I leave em like it not because I think they’ll suffer terrible bad luck if I dont. More because I’m to darn lazy to change it back.
I also no longer cross my fingers and make a wish every time I see a royal mail post van, I also dont think if I step on a crack in the road, that I’ll have to marry a rat and a spider will come to my wedding. I’m also quite happy to walk over three drains without thinking I’ll die and I no longer get a sense of excitement when walking over two.
What do I still subscribe to though, bastard Magpies that’s what. So If I see one I know I’m fucked but its ok if I nod to it and say give my regards to your spouse. Your also sposed to spit, but I’m a terrible spitter it always just dribbles out and goes down my chin. Also If I do happen to see ‘One for sorrow’ then I’ll look and look for the other one to make ‘Two for joy’ If I am lucky enough to see two, I do get quite smug and think WAH HEEEEY my fucking lucks in today. But what about three for a girl, four for a boy? Five for riches and six for gold and seven, SEVEN FOR SECRETS NEVER TO BE TOLD! I dont subscribe to anything after two really, I saw seven once, seven cocking magpies, it was a Monday and it was dull and I remember quite clearly there being no secrets whatsoever.
So what else, well I wouldn’t put an umbrella up in the house but thats because I’M NOT A MENTAL AND IT NEVER RAINS INDOORS. I DO walk under ladders but that’s out of an act of rebellion, like sticking my fingers up at the superstitious world. If it had a singular Magpie on it though I’d run a mile.
So I guess really I’m not superstitious at all, I will always make a wish on the first star of the night and yes the birds the birds……But the rest I’m not that fussed about. You break a mirror and convince yourself you’re gonna have bad luck for seven years then you probably will (Especially if you dont replace said mirror and have to attempt to do your make up in the reflection of your dirty kettle) But if you think Oh well I broke a mirror, not to worry I’ll pop to the mirror shop and buy another, then I reckon you’ll be ok. I dont believe in lucky and unlucky people its all a state of mind. *Oh fuck there goes Mr Magpie and I’ve just gobbed all down myself. *
Oh and I also keep a rose quartz under my pillow, which if it ever disappears I have been known to scramble around under my bed for fourty minutes and not be able to rest until I’ve found it……Ahem but yeah apart from that, Its all a load of Codswallop Isn’t it?