Jealousy. Funny ridiculous insecure nonsense, innit. We all get it though, from worrying whether you should trust someone or not, to wishing your lunch was as nice as the girl’s on the desk opposite yours. Here’s a song about it what we luff, by the wonderful Andrews Sisters. And here are some words we did about it, too.
I’ve never really dealt well with feeling jealous. I’ve not experienced much of it as an adult that wasn’t justified – that is to say, the one time I’ve had massive trust issues in a relationship and been jealous of a 3rd person being somehow involved, I was totally right and consequently dumped for the person I’d been suspicious about. When I see happy, contented couples, I’m rarely jealous of what they have. I admire them and am glad for them, but am generally happy with myself and my life and my lot right now. I trust people very/too quickly and easily, and even after collecting a few experiences that should have taught me some sort of lesson by now, it probably keeps me a little naive, but ignorance is bliss, eh?
But it really doesn’t take a lot to send me over the edge these days. By ‘these days’, I mean, like, 2011. A time where most of my communication with my friends, some I’ve met, some I’ve not, people I’m… yknow…’involved’ with, or people I wouldn’t touch with a barge pole, whoever, fact is, THESE DAYS, I do a lot of my communicating by typing. And reading. And when you read or type things, your brain fills in what’s missing from lack of cheeky smile, or gentle touch on the hand, or affectionate giggle, and generally misreads everything for the worst.
Women’s intuition, insecurity, whatever you want to call it… when you get that feeling that makes you feel like your guts are being twisted in to a poorly tied bow (poorly tied being one that isn’t symmetrical and would never sit flat on the brim of a wool-felt hat, obviously) – what do you do? You can punch stuff… which will make you feel a tiny bit better for a bit. You can be really brave and try to address it, risk looking like an utter tit… or end up putting your mind at rest. Someone asked the other day what on earth has made “all the girls” so insecure. I said BOYS, obviously. I don’t really know the answer. I’ve not been treated so badly, in the grand scheme of relationships. Are we just brought up to expect boys to turn horrid and be sneaky and do bad things? Do we drive them to do it by being suspicious in the first place? And as for those DICKS who say “Oh well one day everything will fall in to place with someone and neither of you will HAVE these doubts or feelings and you’ll just be happy” – fuck off back to your boring beige-wall’d semi in the suburbs and drive your boringly-named kids around in your massive stupid cars. You’re not happy you’re just ignoring everything else! AND YOU’RE PROBABLY JEALOUS OF ME! HA!
There are a few different forms of jealousy, I’ve never felt it because someone had something I wanted. I could never be jealous of my friends for their success or possessions
or whatever else. That’s just daft and lazy, if you’re feeling it because someone has something you want, then you’re obviously not happy with your own life and too lazy to do anything about it.
When it comes to relationships though it’s a bit more tricky, in my twenties I was so insecure not helped by the fact that I went out with a lot of toss pots. I guess it can be traced back to one of my first serious boyfriends. It was coming to the end anyway but I remember vividly being in hospital after an operation. A friend came to visit me and told me how she had seen him at the weekend with another girl on ‘The Stage’ at the Pink Toothbrush. The Brush was a nightclub and ‘The Stage’ was the dark grimy place where couples went for one thing only (French kissing and fingering) That was the first time I had ever experienced that feeling, and it knocked the stuffing out of me.
So from then on my guard went up a bit, the sweet boys from my youth were now cheating fucktards. Unfortunately I didn’t meet anyone for a long time to disprove this theory. It got a bit silly though, I met someone once where we were both such insecure wrecks that I gave up all my male friends and he did the same with his female ones. Then when we broke up I realised I’d given up a lot of good friends for no reason at all.
Obviously it comes down to trust, if you think your other half is gonna cheat on you and it eats you up that much that you can’t stand them to speak to someone of the opposite sex, then you’ve gotta take a long hard look at either your relationship or yourself. BUT BUT BUT, I also think a degree of jealousy is a good thing, that little pang you feel confirms that you’re really into that person. Towards the end of my marriage neither of us felt any jealousy at all but really this was cos we’d both stopped caring.
Mama Tame on knowing that Dirty Veronica my Dads childhood sweet heart was gonna be at a dinner and dance they were going to, felt a little pang.
Obviously Dirty V was now a used up wreck and she had nothing to worry about but I think it’s quite sweet that after 40 years of marriage she still gives a shit enough to care.
For me now, it’s trying to keep it all in context. Where as ten years ago I had proper Bunny boiling tendency’s. I was the girl who left on her own in her boyfriends room would have a good old rifle through his stuff. But it’s a Pandora’s box thing that, a friend recently had a little explore and found pictures of her boyfriend and his ex which just made her feel shit. Some things you just don’t need to see.
I’m sure there are some people out there who are so confident in themselves that they couldn’t imagine for a second that their other halves would cheat. That’s wicked, but as I’m a sum of boyfriends past I don’t think that girl will ever be me. The difference is now, is the realisation that there’s fuck all you can do about it. And the more you act like an insane possessive needy mentalist the more they’ll probably wanna fuck off with someone else anyway.
I have male friends who I hang out with, so I can’t get jealous if I have a boyfriend who has female friends. We’re a different generation I think, it’s a lot more normal to be friends with an ex, it’s completely normal to have friends of the opposite sex where as in my Mum’s day that would have seemed weird or slutty.
At the same time there’s a fine line between trusting someone 100% and taking them for granted, so maybe a teeny bit of jealousy in small doses isn’t really that bad. Just don’t let it get to the point where you class Fatal attraction as your most inspirational film.