Everybody look at the moon…

RIGHT THEN. Periods. Hormones. THE MOON. Absolute weirdo nonsense that boys understand JUST as little as girls do. We’re all doomed. But then we’re fine again. Stupid moon.


THE MOON. It’s got a lot to answer for. Nothing to do with being brought up by hippies – anyone who ignores the effect that the moon – the time of the month – but not necessarily THAT time of the month – has on your body, if you’re a girl, well then you’re stupid and ignorant and lying. Ha.

Yes yes yes… periods are obviously gross and horrid and OH GOD WORST PAIN EVER HATE EVERYONE WANT TO EAT EVERYTHING FUCK OFF IM NOT EVEN HUNGRY IM TOO FAT LEAVE ME ALONE STROKE MY HAIR GIVE ME A CUDDLE DONT TOUCH ME and so on. To be honest thanks to the lovely delicious edible chemicals I take each bright sunny morning, I’ve not bothered with a sodding period for months. Messy business, best avoided. YAY THANKS SCIENCE.

But other things go in cycles too. I like to be busy. The busier I am, the more distracted I am from the things I choose to ignore in my sorry little life.

Shut up stupid moon. I'll stay here long as I like.

Shut up stupid moon. I'll stay here long as I like.

And that’s a good thing. HEAD IN SAND HEAD IN SAND. So I fill my diary up with fun things and friends and pubs and dinners and all of the wondrous events that this fair city has to offer. And when I don’t, I sit at home feeling miserable and unloved and lonely and THEN…. then it becomes sort of contagious and I don’t WANT to do anything and I just want to be on my own in my pyjamas watching Tintin and sobbing a bit for no apparent reason.

ITS NOT RANDOM THOUGH. No no. There are parts of the month where you are naturally more receptive to say – meeting new people. Or wanting to be around LOADS of people in a big merry group. Or when all you want is time with just ONE person. Or when you want the world to fuck off and die. It’s not just hormones and it’s NOT just me. Anyway. Like I said. My hormones are controlled by a delicate balance of delicious NHS-prescribed chemicals and NOT the moon. But PEOPLE go in phases. I know they do because writing this wasn’t even mine OR Panda’s idea. But someone else, who brilliantly said something quite off the cuff about “I guess he just met me at the right time of the month” and whilst instinctively I thought “eeeew…. ummm…..” what she obviously meant was… it was the Yes I’d Like New Friends And Lots Of People Around Me phase. Not the Everyone Fuck Off Leave Me Alone Forever phase.

I sound mental. Don’t I.

What’s ALSO nice, though, is when you have good people around you to whip you back in to shape and snap you out of this nonsense. Even when you’re SO convinced you need to be alone, these are the people who know you’ll be just that tiny bit happier having a walk, then, say, being bought a new pair of shoes for example, and know you’ll just wind up grumpier the longer you stay in your room.


Periods, monthlies, on the blob, ON, shedding my womb… let’s talk about this shall we?

So first the scientific bit. Eve fucked up big time and the female population is still getting punished THE END. Nawww ok then, once a month our body thinks “hey you sexy bitch, let’s have a baby WORD” So it cleverly builds up a nice comfy lining in our womb we shoot an egg from those plant lookin things, the egg snuggles down and waits and then… and then nothing. That clever little plastic T shaped device that my delightful Dr painfully shoved into the neck of my womb ensures none of them naughty little tadpoles are getting anywhere near my egg.

But what’s this?? My body is fucking livid, all that preparation and no reward. Right take this you baron wench. So my body viciously  expels that womb lining and the lonely egg along with it. Out it falls like a never ending repeat of the shower scene from Carrie – PLUG IT UP, PLUG IT UP.

SHUTUP don't shut up I love you FUCK OFF hi

SHUTUP don't shut up I love you FUCK OFF hi


Ahem so yes, that’s the scientific bit over with although I failed to mention the hormones. I’m not sure on the science of those but they’re there. Primeval, turning us into hell beasts, waiting in line at the ten items or less, with our pack of super plus. Spotting the old lady in front who’s pack of Tena lady has taken her total to 11 items.  “11 FUCKING ITEMS WHAT IS SHE FUCKING BLIND OR EVIL?? STUPID SLAG!” You mutter whilst accidentally ramming your trolley into her 90 denier ankles. “oh sorry Nan didn’t know It was you, how’s Grandads piles?”

So yeah, this would be a lot to contend with once a year, let alone EVERY SINGLE MONTH. So boys use your noodle if we seem a bit off our game when you find us alone in the dark stuffing a family sized galaxy into our gob whilst sobbing watching an advert for dogs trust. And if we then happen to scream at you for not being sensitive about poor Rex who was abandoned when he was just a pup. Do not DO NOT! Look knowingly at us and mutter the words “Time of the month is it love?”  Because we’ll never answer “why yes darling it is” it’s more likely you’ll be faced with a scene much like the exorcist and we’ll say very calmly “NO IT’S FUCKING NOT AND YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL!”

I’m not saying us girls have it worse than boys cos you know, you have to deal with wet dreams and inappropriate erections and don’t Drs stick their fingers up your bums pretty much every time you go? But think on this…

When I was ten years old I  thought my periods had started but it turns out I’d just strained really hard for a poo.  I think I WIN.

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5 Responses to Everybody look at the moon…

  1. Xatrax says:

    Peri-menopause is its own brand of weird. So far though, it’s lovely to know I’m on the tail end of the crazy train.

    Luffs to you both.

  2. Jodie Plumley says:

    I’ve just nearly cried at ‘Seaside Rescue’! Luckily, there is always wine 🙂

  3. Helen says:

    When I was at school one girl thought her periods and she was the first in the year (which was, for retrospectively unfathomable reasons, THE COOLEST) so she told EVERYONE. Turned out it was an anal fissure. Never lived it down.

  4. Hello there, You have done a great job. I’ll certainly digg it and personally suggest to my friends. I am sure they’ll be benefited from this website..

  5. Steffi says:

    Yeah, wonderful brilliant stuff this. I absolutely love the way you talk about Tintin and the unexplained sobbing, Crumpet. It makes me feel, well…normal! And Panda, the psycho in the queue thing is hilarious and so true sometimes! Sadly, for me, most of my hormonal spells dont tend to be outward at others, but tend to result in my internalising everything and standing by to watch my sense of self-worth dissipating into a small grain, kind of like a crumb-sized piece of value, and then I feel so god damned sorry for myself that I end up in floods of tears and worrying about every little thing that feels threatening, for hours and hours and hours.

    Crumpet, as you are now aware, I went through a fucking horrible few days withdrawing from my far-too-many-years-long addiction to cannabis and attributed my feelings of incredible loss, neediness, craziness, paranoia, jealousy, fright and general shittiness to the fact that I had been using for so long, and in addition was now withdrawing from it as well. Having said that though, I didnt really consider that I had been pumping my body full of Microgynon for the last 6 months and could very easily have been going through half of this shit because of those. Argh, so annoying. SO I decided to come off the pill too. Day 3 of coming off it, period. So now, after having 3 days (granted the first day would have been placebo but sod it, I felt better) of feeling like I had leveled out and was on an even keel for the first time in months, now my period is here and I feel absolutely fucking terrible again, I got so jealous over some bird my boyfriend has been really good friends with for years that I nearly did the unthinkable whilst he was still asleep this morning and HAD TO FIGHT MYSELF NOT TO LOOK IN HIS PHONE!! Jesus, the shame. I am so totally SICK of not being able to maintain a consistent feeling of emotional security for more than a week. I have, however, just found the only kind of comfort I have had all day in the purchase of a box of ‘8 for the price of 6’ Mr Kipling Apple Pies and a tub of double cream. Nom nom nom. Ah, when all else fails, calories, right?

    Insecurity and jealousy are without doubt the simplest route to destroying the best relationships any of us have – or could – ever have in our lives…I hate to think how many relationships have gone tits up because of pills, or no pills, or the fucking moon, or whatever…such a shame that these factors so easily pass us by and youre SO clearly right about the moon – I am going to have a look from the next epiphany to the one after and see how it affects me – really interesting stuff.

    I cant tell you how wonderful it is to have found your work ladies – it makes me feel like Im not going clinically insane and I am just a woman with shit loads of normal woman stuff going on.


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