Oh hello. In a cunning twist to our usual approach to listing things about things about things, these are the things that WE DON’T LIKE. Pet hates. Bug bares. Bears? Bares? Who cares. NOT US. Basically, a handy beginners guide to How To Piss Us Off. As ever, it’s hypocritical ranty nonsense. Happy new year!
Men who baby Talk
‘I have a tummy ache’ Are you three? No? Right then you’ve got a stomach ache. Your Mother is your Mother, Ma, Mum, Old dear, but NEVER your Mummy. You’re not poorly you’re ill, unwell, sick at best, Don’t ever talk in a little boy voice, you don’t wuv me you love me, despite the fact that I’m a hard-nosed cow.
Contrary to what I just said I’m a big kid most of the time. I’m always up for adventures and playing, I bought myself LEGO for Christmas. I love Harry Potter and Dr Who more than my children do. You’re a grown up though, you don’t understand why adults watch things that are made for kids. You would NEVER go to the park and get on a swing, the idea of a fancy dress party horrifies you and if forced to go you’ll turn up wearing your normal clothes and look thoroughly miserable all night. You don’t dance, play or do anything that risks you looking the slightest bit silly and uncool. What’s even worse are the judgements you cast on all the people who do. For you the world is serious, play time is over, you’re like George Banks before Mary Poppins teaches him the joy of kite flying.
The internet abbreviation bloody irks me up good and proper. Let’s start with LOL, I realise I’m not alone on this and it’s certainly not an original thought to have but god I HATE it. I hate it more because 70% of the time it’s not even used in context ‘Hello lol’ ‘Just got back from the shops lol’ WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?? Did you go the shops with a clown, did hilarity ensue? Even when it’s said after something humorous I bet the person didn’t actually laugh out loud, I bet they did a snort at best. Obviously PMSL and ROTFPMSL are equally ridiculous…Imagine finding something so hilarious that you rolled around on the floor urinating, would you then get back up and type what had happened? You couldn’t sit on the chair for a start. Would you go get cleaned up first?Surely the moment would be gone by the time you got back. I can handle a OMG, I like the way it looks, BRB slips through my net because I like the noise I make in my head when I see it. Anything else though is just lazy, C for see, U for you, TY for thank you UUURRRGHHHHHHH and don’t add Z’s where no Z’s are needed, Laterz Twat.
I was driving today and I saw someone waiting to turn in, so I kindly slowed down and let them go. They did not thank me, NOTHING no wave, nod of the head or my favourite the little flash of the back lights. This winds me up so much SAY BLOODY THANK YOU, I let you go, I gave you 6 seconds of my life SAY THANK YOU! Same as Zebra crossings, I have stopped, I’m waiting for you, oh look you’re lollygagging in the middle fiddling with your phone, still I wait, I could have drove on but I don’t, I’m nice, thank me, any small acknowledgement will do. Thank. Me.
Don’t steal my food. Why are you taking my food? Stop eating all my food! I don’t like sharing food. It’s rubbish. I’m a nice person, I’ll buy you loads of food if you want. What really gets me is when I ask if you’re hungry and you say ‘Ohhh No thanks I’m definitely not hungry, I couldn’t eat a thing’ then proceed to eat half my dinner. This is not on. Also if I’ve got crisps don’t stick your entire hand in the bag trying to grab as many as you can, don’t be greedy, get your own. You may however place your finger and thumb inside the bag and carefully and gently take one ONE crisp out. Next, don’t drink cold drinks from a mug ESPECIALLY fizzy drinks. I don’t care how thirsty you are, I’d rather you sup it from your own cupped hands than drink it out of a mug. Don’t eat egg sandwiches in front of me.
I’d like to start by pointing out how hard this was to write. I mean, how hard it was to write so little. THERE IS TOO MUCH that makes me cross. Too much. I know I know. Let it go, no point getting wound up etc. I have tried my best to stick to a few big ones. As they say. *ahem*
People who start/end tweets with “Twitter, …”
I hate hate HATE those stupid preachy blog posts about “how to do Twitter right”, or Twitter ‘rules’. Do what you bloody well like. Write how you like. Reply to who you want to. Play it your own way. But this has been really irritating me of late. (Despite occasionally being guilty of myself and, well, yes I DO cringe at myself when I do it, too, but sometimes you gotta, but hear me out…) – Twitter is a WEBSITE. Obviously people will answer when you write something, whether you politely address ‘them’ or not. My friend @kibkibs highlighted this nicely in this one very concise tweet:
SEE? He gets it. If you must, why not say “dear friends”. Or “PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET”. or “OI YOU SLAGS”. Why start with “Twitter….”? TWITTER ISNT WHO YOU’RE TALKING TO. It’s the people USING Twitter. You don’t need to be polite. You don’t need to start everything with any sort of address. Just say it! You’re already limited by how much you can fit in as it is. It’s not like Siri. Or that weird family in the advert who say “EGGZBOX… I command thee to put that shit film on” and you’re not the bloke in space on the telly who has to say “COMPUTER” at the start of every command. If you are typing a tweet, you are typing to people. Twitter is providing the service. Blablablabla – you know, though?
Boys with long fingernails.
Or any fingernails worth noticing really. Chewed, short, even well-looked after is FINE but my word please keep them below finger-tip level and for the love of all that is polite and sanitary, don’t talk about them because that just draws attention to them. Bleurgh. (see also: feet, although the older I get the less repulsed I am by SOME of them. Also don’t “see also” because I haven’t written about feet because I don’t want to and I’ve already said “feet” more than I care to.)
People who are unwell in some way but refuse to do anything about it.
Despite my endless Tramadol-laced evenings, I am not a fan of popping a pill for every little ailment. WATER fixes most things. Or magical tea. Lemon & ginger tea especially. OOH or peppermint. Most simple things are fixed with rehydration. Headache. Confusion. Rage. Hating your job. Not knowing what to eat next. Being angry at your brother. And so on. My lovely friend Meg’s mum gives the standard advice for anyone moaning about anything – GO AND SIT ON THE TOILET. But she’s American. Being somewhat Englisher about everything, MY mum, who was the school nurse at my high school – all 7 years of it (eurgh), was known (and mocked) for her sage, wise, caring response to any moaning child who dared enter her office. “Go and get a drink of water.” She was bloody right, though.
But if you’ve got the flu, or a cold, or like, a migraine – you know what’s really good supplement to the spicy chillies, fruit & OJ? MODERN MEDICINE. Don’t sit there wishing you’ll get better if you won’t try to fix yourself in a very easy way. Even whilst I was writing this one of you moany (lovely) bastards was telling me how you were worried you were full of germs but it’s ok because you’ve got some ginger in the kitchen. Bloody hell.
Boys obsessing over fitness/gym/diet
Specifically, in a verbal way. More so if it’s in a preachy or showing off way. I DONT CARE HOW LONG YOUR GYM SESSION WAS. I reeeeeeally don’t care why you won’t eat potatoes. Do it, don’t do it, whatever. Don’t bore me with it though because yeah I like swimming, yeah I hate the way I look, no I can’t really be arsed to be as saintly as you about fixing it, because I fucking love cheese. AND MY SOFA. Bikes are ok though. You can have bikes.
I have a completely ridiculous memory. For detail. Fine, insignificant detail. The date we met. What you said when we went to that place that time. What I ate when you bought that thing. Why this happened on that day. Bits of script. Lyrics. I like solving mysteries and puzzles (YES I COMPLETED THE TINTIN MYSTERY APP GAME TOO WHICH MEANS IM ALLOWED TO BUY IT FOR THE seXBOX NOW WOO) which I think is why my brain keeps track of all these clues – so that I can solve mysteries further down the line. Maybe. The other month over a very fancyposh breakfast, I claimed I’d remember weeks and weeks in the future what the ladies to my left were eating. WELL LET ME TELL YOU NOW that the one next to me had mushrooms on granary toast and her companion had fresh berries on porridge. Anyway, my lack of acceptance of other people’s imperfections (aren’t I lovely?) means that I find it aggrivating if someone doesn’t remember the things I do, or remembers it incorrectly. Especially because I KNOW I’M RIGHT. It’s not that it makes me think it meant less to you. No no. It’s just that the incredible power of my WonderMemory is unable to grasp that yours doesn’t have the same capacity. Sweet jesus I’m going to be single forever aren’t I?
How do you KNOW you don’t like that whateveritis on your plate if you haven’t tried it, you foooool. My lack of compassion towards The Unadventurous leads to my constant bullying of dear friend @LuckyLuque, which so far in 2012 has resulted in him not only eating AN EDAMAME BEAN (yes an ENTIRE one!) but also trying A BLACK OLIVE. These are incredible steps. Anyway adventure doesn’t end with an empty plate. How can you not want to see the world? Or leave London? Or go on a massive long train ride like Portillo? Look round the corner. Always.